The present was wrapped two days before. It was a present given from the heart with sentimental value and sacrifice. The present was from one sibling to the other, out of love, out of a desire to see happiness and joy on the other's face.
The special event was planned weeks in advance. The "perfect" gift from parents, searched for, and arranged for pick-up in a different city. Decorations done, the requested meal and dessert prepared. We waited for the birthday, excitement in the air. The birthday came, we waited, holding our breaths for all the "special" things of the day. And then, like a deflated balloon, the excitement left with a woosh. The sibling gift (given with sacrifice) was opened, thrown on the floor with a dissatisfied yell of "I don't want this!". And the rest of the special day went pretty much the same. Whines, refusals, and overall unhappiness by the recipient.
Our hearts were devastated. What we had given out of love, with sacrifice, was trampled on.
Now anyone who has fostered or adopted is probably smiling slightly and nodding in fond (or PTSD😑😉) memories of these same things happening in their family. You see kids from hard places and trauma are known to sabotage special occasions. We knew this. We had experienced it a little, but not quite to this extent, and it really hurt!
Why? Why would they want to ruin something special given to them?
Let's look at just these three reasons. Of course, there is so much more, but this will give you a tiny glimpse.
1. They don't believe they are worthy
Abandonment. or perception of abandonment, can make you feel as if you are unworthy of love, unworthy of having good things happen to you, unworthy of gifts or attention. In turn, you want to force what you see as inevitable disappointment. The belief that you are truly unlovable.
2. Protection. Attempting to protect their heart from further disappointment
Why be excited or happy, past situations has taught your brain it will end badly, so put up walls.
3. The weight of expectations
When you already feel unlovable, you will most likely feel you will fall short of the expectations placed on how you are to respond.
Now add in for these children triggers, memories of the past whether good or bad, sensory overload, more emphasis on family togetherness (putting up walls), fantasy expectations of what the day should be like or what the gift should be (these are unrealistic and will always lead to disappointment), grief, etc. I could go on and on.
Tell me, did any of this set off a little buzzer in your spirit? Maybe a parallel in your walk with Jesus? Because it sure did in mine. And I have wrestled with it for several months because I'm stubborn. Let's start with number one. I don't feel I'm worthy. How many times has God given us gifts and we feel so unworthy, we actually refuse His gift? There is something in us, in me, that still feels the need to earn God's love, to prove I am worthy of it. "Let me do more for you God, and then I can accept your love." Or, "I have done such horrible things, the God of the universe could not possibly love me". This, as we know, is a lie from the pit of Hell. Let me tell you dear one, the God of the universe loves you unconditionally, without reservation, for all of eternity. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 and "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" romans 8:38-39
How about that 2nd one? Protecting ourselves from further hurt and disappointment? You see when you grow up, without even knowing it, your perception of God starts to form, mostly from our relationships with other people. If you had a poor relationship with your dad, seeing God as a loving father is hard. If you were hurt by a church or pastor, you may see it as God letting you down. Our human relationships can oftentimes lead to hurt and disappointment, so we assume God is the same. We throw up walls toward God because we don't want to be "let down" by him. So how do I see God as God? Well, until we are face to face, I don't think we will ever clearly see Him as He is without some kind of perception. BUT...I so love the buts. But, when you study His words in the Bible, when you hear Him speak to your spirit, when you start to walk day-by-day those perceptions of who you think He is, will start to fall away. As those perceptions fall away, the ability to put down our walls and open ourselves up become easier and easier.
And 3rd on that list hits me hard, the weight of expectations. The expectations we give ourselves to "perform" as "Christians" are in one word: silly. We think that if we do not "perform" the right way, God's love will be less. He will look on us unfavorably if we mess up. I was at fault for so long trying to be the "perfect Christian". What even is that?! No such thing. This I know from experience. When I feel the overwhelming love of Christ and when I accept that overwhelming love of Christ, it has nowhere to go, but out of me. The love of Jesus, when accepted and basked in, will pour out of you like perfume. There is no need to "perform". Have you met people like this? I have. I have several dear friends that I know bask in God's love because it surrounds them like a bright cloud.
All that to say, this was one big lesson to me on how I sabotage the goodness of God. My child with all their hurts and baggage was like a mirror in how I act or have acted in the past toward God's goodness. I bring all my horribleness and throw it at Him in anger and hate and brokenness. And He is so PATIENT! He is so GENTLE! He is so full of a LOVE I can't even grasp it. It is all consuming, it is overwhelming, it is entirely beyond my understanding, but He gives it to me daily.
I am wrecked, brought to my knees, empty of strength most days, as I navigate parenting our children. I'm sure you can relate. We pour everything we have into our kids, hoping to guide them into adulthood as caring, hardworking, joyful lovers of Jesus. We meet their physical needs, emotional needs and guide them toward the Savior who can meet their spiritual needs and eventually all their needs. We do this 24/7. As parents we are always on, every single minute of every single day, without a break. But if you talk to any parent, even the super exhausted ones😊, they will not trade the job of parenting for the world. Adopted kids are no different, only it ups the ante.
What I have noticed in parenting, especially children with a little more "extra", is that it shows my flaws and my weaknesses, like a spotlight on a dark stage. My children become like little mirrors to my relationship with Christ. Like my kids, in order for them to except love and goodness, healing has to occur. It is slow and it is painful. In my relationship with Christ, it is the same. In order to bask in His goodness, I must allow healing no matter now painful.
(Disclaimer-this blog was the hardest to write. I am still struggling in these things I write about. Struggling being the parent I need to be and struggling with sabotaging God's overwhelming goodness toward me.)
