Happily-Ever...Never?

 Happily-Ever-After. We're all searching for it aren't we? We have been since childhood. This illusive dream that at some point in life we will reach the stage where it all comes together. A time that is easy, full of beauty and love. A moment we can prop our feet up and say, "Ahhhh, I'm good now." 

Hmmm. I think by now we have all discovered that it doesn't happen like that. 

When I got married, I thought for the briefest moment, "this is my happily ever after". Uh, no. Although I consider my husband my best friend, and the man I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with, it still takes work. When I got my "career" job, then all things would fall into place. Nope. When we had our first son? I'm laughing as I type. That happily-ever-after was shattered in the first 6 weeks of no sleep, dirty diapers, and the realization that we had no idea at all what we were doing. Maybe the Dream Home? The home that had leaks, and chimney rot and a crooked floor? Ummm guess not. 

All of those things I mentioned, have been wonderful. And the word grateful, cannot even begin to touch the surface of all the blessings God has given us. But all of those things have taken tremendous work. The house repairs mild in comparison to the work put into marriage and raising children.  Somehow though, I assumed adoption would be different. I acknowledged that there would be difficulties, but all in all, this would be a happily-ever-after. After a short time, it would start to flow and be easy. We are 4 years in and let me tell you, we are very far from that. In fact, this last year has felt more discouraging than ever. Trauma is no picnic. We all have it, but in degrees. As adults, we have hopefully learned how to rewire unhealthy behaviors used to cope with said trauma. In a lot of cases, a person operates forever in a limited version of themselves, incapable of healing and moving on. In the case of children, it is hard to recognize trauma from bad behavior or just kids being kids. Or to try to teach actual feelings for the appropriate circumstances and wonder again, is this trauma or just personality developing. And just when you think huge progress has been made, anything could trigger a huge regression. 

I've said before, adoption is like an arranged marriage. Both parties have to learn to love each other. Sometimes it comes naturally, sometimes it doesn't. Attatchment disorder, along with so many other things, sabotage attempts to care for and nurture. Even if the trauma affected children are shown all the love in the world, have every need met, new ways of coping, the brain sometimes just won't accept it. Not just with attachment, but in all areas. 

We all want a success story. We all want the good ending. We all desire happy. If a story is about war, we want a victory. If the story is about sports, we want an "overcoming the odds", if about addiction or heartbreak we want healing. So, when dealing with a situation that seems tremendously hard for an extended period of time, we really don't want to hear about it. Think about your friend who may have cancer. We don't want the call that things are worse. Think about the friend who just went through heartbreak and can't move on. We might not pick up the phone to call because we just can't take more depressing news. This seems to happen especially in church. We want the good answer, the healing, the turn of heart, the walk away from addiction. Maybe because if that doesn't happen our God isn't big enough? Our faith is rattled maybe?

I think with adoption it is the same. People want to hear the good "succuss" stories. The kid who was tragically in foster care, but out of the blue these good people came and rescued them and now they are living their "happily-ever-after" story, maybe even drafted to the NFL, or a successful CEO of a non-profit organization. You know those stories. Unfortunately, these stories usually only portray the happy. Also, let's clarify and say good "dysfunctional" family (every day there are mess-ups and forgiveness needed) and there is no rescuing. Rescue implies an immediate happily-ever-after and what is needed is a "I'm going to invite you into our family, and then we are going to, day by day, walk beside you in this battle in front of us". 

I'm going to shock you. I do actually believe in happily-ever-afters. I said it! I do! Here is the kicker; my Jesus is bigger than all those success stories and He is so much bigger than all the stories that are not going as expected. He has already given me the happy ending. He gave me eternal life by sending His son on a cross to die for me. He loves me perfectly. That is the epitome of a happy ending. I get to spend this life learning about Him and knowing how much He loves me, then spend eternity with Him face to face, seeing how all these screwed up stories impacted the eternal. 

Do you remember the newborn days? The sleepless nights? Do you remember the exhaustion? That is where Michael and I have sat for 4 years, to put it mildly. Most days we are dragging our sword into battle. If you think of our family, or see us, don't shy away from asking us how it's going and knowing you might get a depressing answer. Adoption is not roses and sunshine. It is not all gooey and lovey. We are in a war alongside these kids. Wars are messy, dirty, bloody. Each battle is not successful. We get discouraged. But...love the buts...our God has already won the war, and we know it. We are weary, no doubt about that. More so than any other time in life. We are getting really good at saying no, because the job at home is still pretty consuming. At this season in our life, you may have to track us down because we won't always have the energy to show up. We welcome the calls and texts and prayers. 

We are weary. I suspect you are too? Weary of the news?

This world is discouraging right now, especially what we see happening to our country. Somedays you just want that happy ending, and if it doesn't appear to be there, you walk on by. Weary of the anger you see on people's faces. Weary of the job, the family, the church? Because it sometimes appears like the happily-ever-NEVER. Sometimes it feels like our God is not big enough. 

HE IS BIG ENOUGH! 

The faithfulness and goodness He has shown in my own life, is proof enough, but He says it in His word, and I believe it. The Happily-Ever-After is promised in eternity, the war has already been won, and we will see the victory!

Even though we are weary, exhausted, and discouraged, we cling to this. Jesus didn't mess up. He planned for these kids to join our family and He loves them perfectly. What a burden from our shoulders. We have and will keep making colossal mistakes trying to parent them. But He loves them perfectly! 

So right now, wherever you are whatever you are doing, pause and remember these truths. God is good. You are not a mistake. Your time in history is not a mistake. God is big. Bigger than your worry. Bigger than your pain. Bigger than your disappointment. 

God loves you perfectly. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Riding Into Fear

 Today I rode. I didn't want to, but I did. One year ago, TODAY, I was hit by a deer on my motorcycle. I ended up very bruised and with a broken shoulder. Surgery didn't go as planned, and recovery was much more than expected. I could have lost my life, but God protected me. I am amazed and thankful for His love and goodness. The injury though, took its toll physically and mentally. After months of recovery, I finally reached my goal; to ride again. That first ride, back on a bike, was tough. I rode 1 mile, and when I returned, I was physically shaking. Each ride, my physical strength grew, and I pushed myself further. But to be honest, I was scared. One ride, I had to pull over to the side of the road, and just focus on breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Slower. Breathe in. Breathe out.

 Even now, a year later, I have moments of anxiety that threaten to overwhelm me. A moment of panic, that out of nowhere, something will hit me.

After one of those first rides, I told a treasured friend how scared I was. She looked at me and said, "I see it as you are riding into fear." Her words encouraged me and gave me such courage. Yes, staring fear in the face, and riding into it. Now, I repeat these words often, to remind myself, fear has to be met head on or it cannot be defeated. 

Why do I still ride? No one would blame me, right, if after that type of trauma, I never rode again. But I wanted to ride again. I wanted to ride because I know the JOY it gives. Pure exhilarating joy! If I didn't ride again, if I let fear win, I would never experience that particular freedom and joy that only comes from a motorcycle. I wish I could describe how it feels: freedom, power, speed, wind, smells...oh the smells. It feels like I can breathe...breathe like I've been underwater for a long time and can finally surface. It...is...amazing! I digress, this is not about motorcycles.

This year has had me thinking, of course, a lot about fear. I never would have described myself as a fearful person, but after close examination, I realized I am. In fact, as a little girl, I lived in terror of most things. I had nightmares, I was scared of the dark, scared of meeting new people, and I would even hide from the school bus because I was afraid of the kids inside. In my late teen years, I was forced into a long-term situation that terrified me. By the grace of Jesus, in that moment, I realized, I either face my fears head on, or curl up in a ball the rest of my life and miss out on living. Thankfully God has given me courage and bravery to do that with most things and I have experienced so much LIFE!

When God placed our two kids from foster care into our home, I was so scared. Guess what, I still am. I'm terrified to be a mother most days of any kids, let alone kids that come from very hard places. I am not enough. I am not strong enough, not wise enough, not brave enough. Most days, I am not the mother I want to be and so many times wish I could curl up into a fearful little ball and not move. I often tell my kids that you can't be brave unless you are scared. Bravery is never the absence of fear, but the ability to move forward in the midst of fear. Funny, how when we try and teach our kids, we are really teaching ourselves. So, I have to be brave. Good thing I have Jesus, right? Sounds cliché, but no, it is everything. Without Jesus there is no strength, no courage and no bravery. He truly is my breath. My motorcycle is just an earthly pleasure that brings me joy. Jesus is my very source and anchor of joy.

As I look back at these last few years, this calling of adoption that God gave us, I know God has carried us. I know without a doubt this was His plan for our family. It has been hard. The hard has not stopped. The fears have not gone away. Someone quoted about fostering/adopting, "It's the mercy of God that He doesn't show us everything that will unfold on our journey the moment we first say yes to it. All the good would be too unbelievable and all the hard would be too unbearable." So far, this is very true. If in that moment, when God called us to foster, if we would have succumbed to our fears, oh what we would have missed out on. Joy and life! And the hard. The hard that shows us God can do the impossible.

Has God called you to do something you are afraid to do? No, not ride a motorcycle😂. I use this example merely as a tool. I mean something you know down deep that God wants you to do. 

But because of the fears of "what ifs" and the fears of "I can't", you have said "no", or "not right now".  It could be as simple as walking up to a stranger and talking about the love of Jesus. I know I have said no to that one in particular, out of fear. It could be missions, adoption, ministry at work, church etc. And I'm not talking about doing the things we think we are equipped for, or we are good at. I'm talking about those things we know God wants us to do that simply terrify us. You know, that sick to your stomach, no not me, thing He asks us to do. I have missed out on so much joy over the years, because of saying no due to fear. How do I know that? Because the times I said yes to Jesus, especially in the midst of fear, the joy was exhilarating, and my relationship with Jesus became so much closer. 

Are you ready to RIDE INTO FEAR? I'm not telling you to go get a motorcycle. I'm not telling you to go adopt. I'm asking, will you join me in listening and responding to the prompting of the Most High God?  Are you willing to say "YES" to what God is asking you to do even in the midst of fear? You see when we are fearful, He is our brave. When we are not enough, He is enough!

I need to confess. This word has been on my heart for months, but I haven't been willing to write it. Why? Because I have been afraid. The last couple years have been some of the hardest. Crazy "bad" things one-after-the-other have bombarded us month after month. By us saying "yes" to Jesus, I do believe we rocked the eternal a bit. Satan lost some ground. We are in a spiritual war; our yes was an attack on the enemy. The enemy has launched a counterattack. So, I've grown weary in battle, and fear has crept in. In moments like these, I tend to forget who my KING is. We are not a family waging war; we are children of the living God in an army that will destroy evil.

Today I rode into FEAR on my motorcycle. Today I ride into FEAR in the spiritual. Will you join me?

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3