Happily-Ever...Never?

 Happily-Ever-After. We're all searching for it aren't we? We have been since childhood. This illusive dream that at some point in life we will reach the stage where it all comes together. A time that is easy, full of beauty and love. A moment we can prop our feet up and say, "Ahhhh, I'm good now." 

Hmmm. I think by now we have all discovered that it doesn't happen like that. 

When I got married, I thought for the briefest moment, "this is my happily ever after". Uh, no. Although I consider my husband my best friend, and the man I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with, it still takes work. When I got my "career" job, then all things would fall into place. Nope. When we had our first son? I'm laughing as I type. That happily-ever-after was shattered in the first 6 weeks of no sleep, dirty diapers, and the realization that we had no idea at all what we were doing. Maybe the Dream Home? The home that had leaks, and chimney rot and a crooked floor? Ummm guess not. 

All of those things I mentioned, have been wonderful. And the word grateful, cannot even begin to touch the surface of all the blessings God has given us. But all of those things have taken tremendous work. The house repairs mild in comparison to the work put into marriage and raising children.  Somehow though, I assumed adoption would be different. I acknowledged that there would be difficulties, but all in all, this would be a happily-ever-after. After a short time, it would start to flow and be easy. We are 4 years in and let me tell you, we are very far from that. In fact, this last year has felt more discouraging than ever. Trauma is no picnic. We all have it, but in degrees. As adults, we have hopefully learned how to rewire unhealthy behaviors used to cope with said trauma. In a lot of cases, a person operates forever in a limited version of themselves, incapable of healing and moving on. In the case of children, it is hard to recognize trauma from bad behavior or just kids being kids. Or to try to teach actual feelings for the appropriate circumstances and wonder again, is this trauma or just personality developing. And just when you think huge progress has been made, anything could trigger a huge regression. 

I've said before, adoption is like an arranged marriage. Both parties have to learn to love each other. Sometimes it comes naturally, sometimes it doesn't. Attatchment disorder, along with so many other things, sabotage attempts to care for and nurture. Even if the trauma affected children are shown all the love in the world, have every need met, new ways of coping, the brain sometimes just won't accept it. Not just with attachment, but in all areas. 

We all want a success story. We all want the good ending. We all desire happy. If a story is about war, we want a victory. If the story is about sports, we want an "overcoming the odds", if about addiction or heartbreak we want healing. So, when dealing with a situation that seems tremendously hard for an extended period of time, we really don't want to hear about it. Think about your friend who may have cancer. We don't want the call that things are worse. Think about the friend who just went through heartbreak and can't move on. We might not pick up the phone to call because we just can't take more depressing news. This seems to happen especially in church. We want the good answer, the healing, the turn of heart, the walk away from addiction. Maybe because if that doesn't happen our God isn't big enough? Our faith is rattled maybe?

I think with adoption it is the same. People want to hear the good "succuss" stories. The kid who was tragically in foster care, but out of the blue these good people came and rescued them and now they are living their "happily-ever-after" story, maybe even drafted to the NFL, or a successful CEO of a non-profit organization. You know those stories. Unfortunately, these stories usually only portray the happy. Also, let's clarify and say good "dysfunctional" family (every day there are mess-ups and forgiveness needed) and there is no rescuing. Rescue implies an immediate happily-ever-after and what is needed is a "I'm going to invite you into our family, and then we are going to, day by day, walk beside you in this battle in front of us". 

I'm going to shock you. I do actually believe in happily-ever-afters. I said it! I do! Here is the kicker; my Jesus is bigger than all those success stories and He is so much bigger than all the stories that are not going as expected. He has already given me the happy ending. He gave me eternal life by sending His son on a cross to die for me. He loves me perfectly. That is the epitome of a happy ending. I get to spend this life learning about Him and knowing how much He loves me, then spend eternity with Him face to face, seeing how all these screwed up stories impacted the eternal. 

Do you remember the newborn days? The sleepless nights? Do you remember the exhaustion? That is where Michael and I have sat for 4 years, to put it mildly. Most days we are dragging our sword into battle. If you think of our family, or see us, don't shy away from asking us how it's going and knowing you might get a depressing answer. Adoption is not roses and sunshine. It is not all gooey and lovey. We are in a war alongside these kids. Wars are messy, dirty, bloody. Each battle is not successful. We get discouraged. But...love the buts...our God has already won the war, and we know it. We are weary, no doubt about that. More so than any other time in life. We are getting really good at saying no, because the job at home is still pretty consuming. At this season in our life, you may have to track us down because we won't always have the energy to show up. We welcome the calls and texts and prayers. 

We are weary. I suspect you are too? Weary of the news?

This world is discouraging right now, especially what we see happening to our country. Somedays you just want that happy ending, and if it doesn't appear to be there, you walk on by. Weary of the anger you see on people's faces. Weary of the job, the family, the church? Because it sometimes appears like the happily-ever-NEVER. Sometimes it feels like our God is not big enough. 

HE IS BIG ENOUGH! 

The faithfulness and goodness He has shown in my own life, is proof enough, but He says it in His word, and I believe it. The Happily-Ever-After is promised in eternity, the war has already been won, and we will see the victory!

Even though we are weary, exhausted, and discouraged, we cling to this. Jesus didn't mess up. He planned for these kids to join our family and He loves them perfectly. What a burden from our shoulders. We have and will keep making colossal mistakes trying to parent them. But He loves them perfectly! 

So right now, wherever you are whatever you are doing, pause and remember these truths. God is good. You are not a mistake. Your time in history is not a mistake. God is big. Bigger than your worry. Bigger than your pain. Bigger than your disappointment. 

God loves you perfectly. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Riding Into Fear

 Today I rode. I didn't want to, but I did. One year ago, TODAY, I was hit by a deer on my motorcycle. I ended up very bruised and with a broken shoulder. Surgery didn't go as planned, and recovery was much more than expected. I could have lost my life, but God protected me. I am amazed and thankful for His love and goodness. The injury though, took its toll physically and mentally. After months of recovery, I finally reached my goal; to ride again. That first ride, back on a bike, was tough. I rode 1 mile, and when I returned, I was physically shaking. Each ride, my physical strength grew, and I pushed myself further. But to be honest, I was scared. One ride, I had to pull over to the side of the road, and just focus on breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Slower. Breathe in. Breathe out.

 Even now, a year later, I have moments of anxiety that threaten to overwhelm me. A moment of panic, that out of nowhere, something will hit me.

After one of those first rides, I told a treasured friend how scared I was. She looked at me and said, "I see it as you are riding into fear." Her words encouraged me and gave me such courage. Yes, staring fear in the face, and riding into it. Now, I repeat these words often, to remind myself, fear has to be met head on or it cannot be defeated. 

Why do I still ride? No one would blame me, right, if after that type of trauma, I never rode again. But I wanted to ride again. I wanted to ride because I know the JOY it gives. Pure exhilarating joy! If I didn't ride again, if I let fear win, I would never experience that particular freedom and joy that only comes from a motorcycle. I wish I could describe how it feels: freedom, power, speed, wind, smells...oh the smells. It feels like I can breathe...breathe like I've been underwater for a long time and can finally surface. It...is...amazing! I digress, this is not about motorcycles.

This year has had me thinking, of course, a lot about fear. I never would have described myself as a fearful person, but after close examination, I realized I am. In fact, as a little girl, I lived in terror of most things. I had nightmares, I was scared of the dark, scared of meeting new people, and I would even hide from the school bus because I was afraid of the kids inside. In my late teen years, I was forced into a long-term situation that terrified me. By the grace of Jesus, in that moment, I realized, I either face my fears head on, or curl up in a ball the rest of my life and miss out on living. Thankfully God has given me courage and bravery to do that with most things and I have experienced so much LIFE!

When God placed our two kids from foster care into our home, I was so scared. Guess what, I still am. I'm terrified to be a mother most days of any kids, let alone kids that come from very hard places. I am not enough. I am not strong enough, not wise enough, not brave enough. Most days, I am not the mother I want to be and so many times wish I could curl up into a fearful little ball and not move. I often tell my kids that you can't be brave unless you are scared. Bravery is never the absence of fear, but the ability to move forward in the midst of fear. Funny, how when we try and teach our kids, we are really teaching ourselves. So, I have to be brave. Good thing I have Jesus, right? Sounds cliché, but no, it is everything. Without Jesus there is no strength, no courage and no bravery. He truly is my breath. My motorcycle is just an earthly pleasure that brings me joy. Jesus is my very source and anchor of joy.

As I look back at these last few years, this calling of adoption that God gave us, I know God has carried us. I know without a doubt this was His plan for our family. It has been hard. The hard has not stopped. The fears have not gone away. Someone quoted about fostering/adopting, "It's the mercy of God that He doesn't show us everything that will unfold on our journey the moment we first say yes to it. All the good would be too unbelievable and all the hard would be too unbearable." So far, this is very true. If in that moment, when God called us to foster, if we would have succumbed to our fears, oh what we would have missed out on. Joy and life! And the hard. The hard that shows us God can do the impossible.

Has God called you to do something you are afraid to do? No, not ride a motorcycle😂. I use this example merely as a tool. I mean something you know down deep that God wants you to do. 

But because of the fears of "what ifs" and the fears of "I can't", you have said "no", or "not right now".  It could be as simple as walking up to a stranger and talking about the love of Jesus. I know I have said no to that one in particular, out of fear. It could be missions, adoption, ministry at work, church etc. And I'm not talking about doing the things we think we are equipped for, or we are good at. I'm talking about those things we know God wants us to do that simply terrify us. You know, that sick to your stomach, no not me, thing He asks us to do. I have missed out on so much joy over the years, because of saying no due to fear. How do I know that? Because the times I said yes to Jesus, especially in the midst of fear, the joy was exhilarating, and my relationship with Jesus became so much closer. 

Are you ready to RIDE INTO FEAR? I'm not telling you to go get a motorcycle. I'm not telling you to go adopt. I'm asking, will you join me in listening and responding to the prompting of the Most High God?  Are you willing to say "YES" to what God is asking you to do even in the midst of fear? You see when we are fearful, He is our brave. When we are not enough, He is enough!

I need to confess. This word has been on my heart for months, but I haven't been willing to write it. Why? Because I have been afraid. The last couple years have been some of the hardest. Crazy "bad" things one-after-the-other have bombarded us month after month. By us saying "yes" to Jesus, I do believe we rocked the eternal a bit. Satan lost some ground. We are in a spiritual war; our yes was an attack on the enemy. The enemy has launched a counterattack. So, I've grown weary in battle, and fear has crept in. In moments like these, I tend to forget who my KING is. We are not a family waging war; we are children of the living God in an army that will destroy evil.

Today I rode into FEAR on my motorcycle. Today I ride into FEAR in the spiritual. Will you join me?

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3

Sabotaging the Goodness of God

 

 

    The present was wrapped two days before. It was a present given from the heart with sentimental value and sacrifice. The present was from one sibling to the other, out of love, out of a desire to see happiness and joy on the other's face. 

    The special event was planned weeks in advance. The "perfect" gift from parents, searched for, and arranged for pick-up in a different city. Decorations done, the requested meal and dessert prepared. We waited for the birthday, excitement in the air. The birthday came, we waited, holding our breaths for all the "special" things of the day. And then, like a deflated balloon, the excitement left with a woosh. The sibling gift (given with sacrifice) was opened, thrown on the floor with a dissatisfied yell of "I don't want this!".  And the rest of the special day went pretty much the same. Whines, refusals, and overall unhappiness by the recipient. 

    Our hearts were devastated. What we had given out of love, with sacrifice, was trampled on. 

    Now anyone who has fostered or adopted is probably smiling slightly and nodding in fond (or PTSD😑😉) memories of these same things happening in their family. You see kids from hard places and trauma are known to sabotage special occasions. We knew this. We had experienced it a little, but not quite to this extent, and it really hurt!

 Why? Why would they want to ruin something special given to them? 

    Let's look at just these three reasons. Of course, there is so much more, but this will give you a tiny glimpse.

1. They don't believe they are worthy 

Abandonment. or perception of abandonment, can make you feel as if you are unworthy of love, unworthy of having good things happen to you, unworthy of gifts or attention. In turn, you want to force what you see as inevitable disappointment. The belief that you are truly unlovable.

2. Protection. Attempting to protect their heart from further disappointment

Why be excited or happy, past situations has taught your brain it will end badly, so put up walls.

3. The weight of expectations

When you already feel unlovable, you will most likely feel you will fall short of the expectations placed on how you are to respond. 

    Now add in for these children triggers, memories of the past whether good or bad, sensory overload, more emphasis on family togetherness (putting up walls), fantasy expectations of what the day should be like or what the gift should be (these are unrealistic and will always lead to disappointment), grief, etc. I could go on and on.

    Tell me, did any of this set off a little buzzer in your spirit? Maybe a parallel in your walk with Jesus? Because it sure did in mine. And I have wrestled with it for several months because I'm stubborn. Let's start with number one. I don't feel I'm worthy. How many times has God given us gifts and we feel so unworthy, we actually refuse His gift? There is something in us, in me, that still feels the need to earn God's love, to prove I am worthy of it. "Let me do more for you God, and then I can accept your love." Or, "I have done such horrible things, the God of the universe could not possibly love me". This, as we know, is a lie from the pit of Hell. Let me tell you dear one, the God of the universe loves you unconditionally, without reservation, for all of eternity. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 and "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" romans 8:38-39

    How about that 2nd one? Protecting ourselves from further hurt and disappointment? You see when you grow up, without even knowing it, your perception of God starts to form, mostly from our relationships with other people. If you had a poor relationship with your dad, seeing God as a loving father is hard. If you were hurt by a church or pastor, you may see it as God letting you down. Our human relationships can oftentimes lead to hurt and disappointment, so we assume God is the same. We throw up walls toward God because we don't want to be "let down" by him. So how do I see God as God? Well, until we are face to face, I don't think we will ever clearly see Him as He is without some kind of perception. BUT...I so love the buts. But, when you study His words in the Bible, when you hear Him speak to your spirit, when you start to walk day-by-day those perceptions of who you think He is, will start to fall away. As those perceptions fall away, the ability to put down our walls and open ourselves up become easier and easier.

    And 3rd on that list hits me hard, the weight of expectations. The expectations we give ourselves to "perform" as "Christians" are in one word: silly. We think that if we do not "perform" the right way, God's love will be less. He will look on us unfavorably if we mess up. I was at fault for so long trying to be the "perfect Christian". What even is that?! No such thing. This I know from experience. When I feel the overwhelming love of Christ and when I accept that overwhelming love of Christ, it has nowhere to go, but out of me. The love of Jesus, when accepted and basked in, will pour out of you like perfume. There is no need to "perform". Have you met people like this? I have. I have several dear friends that I know bask in God's love because it surrounds them like a bright cloud.

    All that to say, this was one big lesson to me on how I sabotage the goodness of God. My child with all their hurts and baggage was like a mirror in how I act or have acted in the past toward God's goodness. I bring all my horribleness and throw it at Him in anger and hate and brokenness. And He is so PATIENT! He is so GENTLE! He is so full of a LOVE I can't even grasp it. It is all consuming, it is overwhelming, it is entirely beyond my understanding, but He gives it to me daily. 

  I am wrecked, brought to my knees, empty of strength most days, as I navigate parenting our children. I'm sure you can relate. We pour everything we have into our kids, hoping to guide them into adulthood as caring, hardworking, joyful lovers of Jesus. We meet their physical needs, emotional needs and guide them toward the Savior who can meet their spiritual needs and eventually all their needs. We do this 24/7.  As parents we are always on, every single minute of every single day, without a break.  But if you talk to any parent, even the super exhausted ones😊, they will not trade the job of parenting for the world. Adopted kids are no different, only it ups the ante.

    What I have noticed in parenting, especially children with a little more "extra", is that it shows my flaws and my weaknesses, like a spotlight on a dark stage. My children become like little mirrors to my relationship with Christ. Like my kids, in order for them to except love and goodness, healing has to occur. It is slow and it is painful. In my relationship with Christ, it is the same. In order to bask in His goodness, I must allow healing no matter now painful. 

 (Disclaimer-this blog was the hardest to write. I am still struggling in these things I write about. Struggling being the parent I need to be and struggling with sabotaging God's overwhelming goodness toward me.)

The Grieving in Adoption

 

When you think of adoption what words comes to mind? Excitement, joy, family, hope? All the positive words, right? Now, let me throw some others at you. Sadness, broken, tragedy, grief, and death. Those are not the words we associate with adoption, but these are the words I am learning I must sit in and walk through. You see, in order for adoption to occur there must be death. Let me explain.

I will never forget the words that floored me and shook me to my core almost a year ago. I was reading our kid's TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) transcript, and this is the sentence that will stay with me always.

 "(our child's bio mother's name) is forever terminated and severed from (our child's name)."

 Forever Terminated and Severed. Forever Severed! That is death. That is a brokenness that demands a grief so deep it is hard to bear. The grief that comes with adoption is one I was not prepared for. The darkness and tragedy I thought I could easily dismiss...not so easy. As parents, we take on our shoulders the emotions of our children. When they are happy; we are too. When they get hurt; we hurt for them. When the tears come from their tiny eyes; we cry too. Our adoptive kids are no exception. As their parents, we are grieving tragedy they know nothing about...at least yet. We carry wounds from their past they will not experience for years, but we know it is coming.

Our daughter has been with us a year-and-a-half. Her memories are fading, but the other night at the dinner table, she said, "I miss (bio mom), she used to watch Lion King with me. But she will be sick forever."

Sick forever. That is something my little girl carries. That is death. That is an unbelievable weight I, as her mother, will carry. I will walk with my little girl and young son through memories lost, moments forever gone, and hopes and dreams washed away by tragedy. 

God did not mess up. God did NOT give my children to the wrong biological parents. He intended for my children to be raised and loved and cared for by their bio mom and dad. I have pictures, beautiful pictures of my kids with bio mom as babies. The kind you frame and look at forever. When I saw the pictures, there was so much anger and grief that came. I wept. "You were supposed to be their mother always! You were supposed to make the memories I get to with your kids." But sin! And this stupid, broken world. 

Grief. It is real, it is tangible, it is a day-to-day walk that will require healing. And that is where we get to say...

...but Jesus!

When God created the world and put the tree of life and death in the garden, He did not make a mistake. He gave us a choice. He did not say, "oh no, I messed up", when Adam and Eve took the fruit and the relationship between God and man was forever terminated and severed. Sin took that day. But God was not surprised, He was not regretful, and he was not changed. Instead, he gave us death in order that we might live. He gave us the death of Jesus.

 And then he gave us the resurrection of Jesus!

Out of the horrible death, came beautiful life. Eternal life and healing for all mankind. For me, for YOU! For my children.

 One of the most beautiful verses in the bible is John 11:35 Jesus wept. He wept for the death of a friend, he wept for the grief his other friends carried, he wept for what sin had done to this world, he wept for DEATH. Jesus knew the outcome. He knew he would raise his friend back to life and there would be joy and incredible hope and celebration. Still, he wept. Still, he sat in grief for a time.  

This will be the 1st Christmas that our children are legally Hewitts. I missed 3 other Christmases. As I made their stockings to match the rest of the family, and they hung just one ornament on the tree we had given them last year, again I wept. I wept for that moment in the hospital of seeing their faces for the very 1st time. I wept for Christmases, birthdays, 1st steps, 1st giggles, all those special moments...not mine.

Adoption can only occur after death. And so, we will sit in grief for a time. We will grieve what was lost. We will grieve what could-have-been. We will grieve the expectations of what we thought the children would be like. We will grieve the time we didn't have with our kids. We will grieve adoption.

And Jesus will sit and grieve with us.

As we celebrate Christmas, we remember hope. We cling to hope! The hope that God our Father, takes death and gives us resurrection. With the birth of Jesus, we know all things can be made new! All things can be healed, and all things can be redeemed. 

We will grieve for a time...

...but Jesus

Joy is coming!!!

Just Jump

     

    Tonight I sat with with my 7 year-old bio son and sobbed with him. Deep sobs; the kind that have been waiting to burst for days, maybe weeks. We were sitting together talking about how he was feeling having young foster kids with us, and his words were tough, "mom, it's just so hard". I cried with him and said, "oh I know, it is so, so, so hard!". I held him and sobbed along with him, then I said. "Sometimes the things God asks us to do are the hardest, the very hardest." My next thought was to say, 'but oh the treasures in heaven, and oh the rewards of helping someone in need, and oh how joyful we are in God's will'. Instead, I stayed quiet, and just cried and held. He doesn't know yet that out of ashes, God rebuilds, he doesn't know yet that brokenness leads to healing, he doesn't understand the wonder and beauty that comes from walking out God's will; so very difficult, yet the most fulfilling. 

    We have had a foster placement now for a couple months. They will stay long-term ( in the foster system this could be a few weeks to a couple years...or for however long God allows us to be their family). I wish I could tell you all about them, I wish I could send pictures and talk about them, but I can't. I can't tell you about joyous and funny moments, heartbreaking stories, things they do and say that make us angry, sad, happy, bewildered; all the above. Let me just say, that what we expect to happen with adoptions or foster care, is rarely what ever happens. To do foster care, is to truly stand with your hand wide open, ready to welcome and ready to say goodbye. These children are in need of someone to meet their every need, and not just their immediate needs, but past needs. It is a lot! Every moment calls for dependence on Jesus. There is no way our family could do this without the minute to minute presence of our Savior. It means everyone pitching in and helping, it means giving up activities and space, it means being emotionally exhausted yet finding more to give. 

    Several weeks ago we took them to the pool and discovered this was a brand new experience for one of them. Fear took hold, and the pool became a horrid abys waiting to swallow this child up, or so they thought. Patience and time was needed. Several trips to the pool and this child went from sitting on the edge with just a toe in, to floating in a Puddle Jumper all on their own, to actually jumping off the side into our arms. As I watched these precious ones gather the courage to jump from the side of the pool into the water and into our arms, Jesus showed me a beautiful picture. "Melissa, Michael, Hewitt family; you jumped!!!" As if a parent was cheering us on, encouraging us, helping us trust, Jesus threw back his head and yelled with glee. "I told you I would catch you!" You see, He has so much more patience. He has so much more love than we can ever have. He waited while we dangled our toe in the water, gradually working our way into the pool, then built up the courage to jump. I think with most things, Jesus is waiting for us to trust Him enough to jump. And in order to jump, we must abandon all footing, we must give up what we think we know, we must leap into the unknown. The difference, DON'T MISS THIS, is who you are jumping to. I can leap into the unknown when I trust my Savior to catch me, to keep me from drowning, to support me, to be my everything. 

    So if you ask us how we are doing these days, you will probably get an answer like, well we are surviving, or we are okay. Because we are learning that after that jump into the pool, we have to completely rely on Jesus to sustain us, to keep us afloat, to hold us up and teach us to swim with Him. This is HARD! I mean chew-you-up, spit-you-out hard. It has challenged us to work on our relationship in our family, to operate unselfishly, and to grow amazing amounts of patience (we have failed miserably several times on this one - THANK JESUS FOR GRACE). But...love the buts...we are growing and learning, and most of all resting in the arms of our Savior. We are seeing knew strengths in each member of the family and working on weaknesses. We are learning that life is broken and hard and we are called to give the love of Jesus even if it means walking into horrible places,  collecting the shattered pieces and giving them to God believing for healing. It means, not turning a blind eye, it means getting out of our comfort zone and placing ourselves at "risk". 

    I want to ask you a question. Are you comfortable? Do you think someone else will always step-up and take care of the needs? Do you think that the people in ministry, missions, helping in some way have some strength that you don't have, therefore eliminating the need for you? They don't. We don't. The Hewitt family is not more gifted, more patient, stronger, more anything...we have nothing but the grace of God and his strength. So this is my challenge to you: if you know God is calling you to do something, JUMP! Don't sit on the side of the pool with just one toe in. Just JUMP! If you are a believer in Christ you ARE being called to jump in somewhere. It might not be helping foster care or adoption, or meeting the needs of the hungry, or missions, but trust me, God is calling you. 

                        The real calling is not to a  certain place or career,

                                 but to everyday obedience.

                     And that call is extended to every Christian, not a select few

                                                                        -Brother Andrew

    If you are a believer in Jesus, I beg of you not to stand by, spending most of your life being afraid to jump. Thinking your toe dipped in the water is the same as swimming. It is scary, and hard, and tough, but God is there in that scary and in the hard and that is what makes the difference. The need is so, so, huge; all you have to do is look around. People are suffering, children are hurting, souls are longing for Jesus! If you are a child of God, you have what it takes to go where He calls you...because you have HIM. 

                                                                                                                         JUMP

Not Ready

 

Today as I was folding laundry, I came across a little article of clothing that is not usually in my pile. A sweet reminder of a little one that came and went very quickly. You see a few weeks ago, we officially went full foster. The way the state and county works is very confusing, so I won't try and explain the in and outs of switching, the mountains of paperwork again, or the endless waiting. The main thing is, we realized that there was more of a need to foster right now, than just trying to adopt.  
      Our goal is to help kids. Period. So we will go where we are needed the most. Already, I feel we are elbow deep. A precious little child came when we weren't ready and left when we weren't ready. But you know what? This child wasn't ready either. Who is ever ready to be taken away from all that is familiar and placed with strangers. Who is ever ready to not be cared for, put in dangerous situations, abused, or abandoned. None of these children are READY for that. So whether we are ready or not we will be there for these kiddos, one by one.
    Of course this is harder than it sounds, and I know we are not even aware of how hard it will get. Seeing the little bag sitting by the door, in preparation of departure, packed with much more than what the child came with, was heartbreaking. But the JOY of knowing we were there, when that child needed us, is unimaginable.
     We don't know what the future holds each day. We don't know if we will get a call and be scrambling to get a room and bed or beds ready. We don't know when we will say hello or goodbye. We do know, we have the love of Jesus to give. We have arms to hold, hugs to share, tears to cry with them, a safe place, laughter and love.

     "Ask yourself what is really
     important, and then have the
     wisdom and courage to build
     your life around your answer."

     Continue to pray for us. THIS IS HARD. Pray for wisdom. Pray for the courage to do this. We are not special people. We do not have extraordinary gifts. We are not better with kids than others. We are not more patient, more loving, more giving, stronger, more special...more of anything. We are ordinary people taking one day at a time and following the voice of our Savior Jesus.

     There is a need for families that are willing to adopt! There is a huge need for families to foster! If you think God is calling you to help in any way, please reach out to us and ask us about how to get started. 

The Journey

The longing, and the desire to adopt has been on my heart for as long as I can remember.  When Michael and I met, I shared this desire with him and soon it fell on his heart as well.Our journey of adoption has spread over 13 years. Many of you know, we started the process of adopting internationally in 2007. After five years of paperwork nightmares, excruciating hurt, disappointment, and exhaustion, we called an end to the process. We were burnt out, disillusioned, and wondered if we would ever be able to start the journey again.

The burden to adopt never left my heart. If anything it grew stronger. Over the next years, God worked to heal both Michael and my hearts from many wounds and deep brokenness. God put strong Jesus followers in our path to lift us up and encourage us. I don't know if a day went by that I wasn't thinking and hoping that it was time to start the journey of adoption again. A little over a year ago we made the decision to start the adoption process once more. Only this time it looked a whole lot different.

The first time we chose International adoption. It seemed much more "clean", and easy, less risky. We made choices back then based on what we thought we could handle. What would be best for our family at that time. We didn't make the wrong choice, because we clearly knew God wanted us to follow his call to adopt, but we were young and a naive. We started with Vietnam; it closed. We started with Uganda as a Guinee pig family; it was decided (not by us) after months in, that we were not a fit for the new program. We started with Ethiopia; years would follow of more paperwork and longer waiting lists. We ended the Ethiopia adoption still far, far down on the waiting list. We were heartbroken.

Back in those years, we thought we could handle all that adoption could throw at us. Oh boy. God has shown us we really CAN'T handle any of it. You see, no adoption is "clean". In fact, International or domestic, adoption is messy, and hard, and personal, and heartbreaking. From the moment you start it hurts. Oh it hurts!!! And we have only just started. We have walked with many friends through adoptions and we have observed horrendous pain, but also a beauty that can only be orchestrated by an awesome God. The only way we can handle this pain, carry the burdens of children we don't even know yet, is by God's grace. Adoption, like most things in life is messy. It definitely is not clean!

Adoption is a beautiful example of the overabundant, redeeming love of Christ. It is physical, rolling up your sleeves work, and endless love, and weeping, and anger at the child's past you can't change or take away. It is willingness to open your family to the unknown, the wild, the crazy. But it is also opening up your family to a glorious tapestry only God in His perfect sovereignty could weave. Adoption means being willing to jump into a new child's past, full of their hurts, and anger, and fear of love. It is showing them (your biological or adopted or foster child) a Savior (not us), Christ, who ultimately made them, and chose them, and wants to make them whole. That is NOT clean! That is not low risk! That is not easy!

So here we are stepping out and ministering in our home state, in our home nation. We might not only just have 1 new family member, we might have their relatives that become part of our family. We might deal with visitations, and people hating us, we might deal with children coming and going that we get attached to and we watch walk back out our door. A wise lady once told me, "No matter how God chooses to give us our children, we really never know for how long, or who they will become, or how they will turn out. It is up to us to parent them the best we can FOR THE TIME God gives them to us".

If we can offer hope and love to a child, even if it is for a short time, than that is what we will do. Our journey is just beginning, so please pray for us to never take our eyes off Jesus, to offer these children physical and emotional safety, to show them the incredible love of Jesus so clearly it changes the course of their lives.