The Grieving in Adoption

 

When you think of adoption what words comes to mind? Excitement, joy, family, hope? All the positive words, right? Now, let me throw some others at you. Sadness, broken, tragedy, grief, and death. Those are not the words we associate with adoption, but these are the words I am learning I must sit in and walk through. You see, in order for adoption to occur there must be death. Let me explain.

I will never forget the words that floored me and shook me to my core almost a year ago. I was reading our kid's TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) transcript, and this is the sentence that will stay with me always.

 "(our child's bio mother's name) is forever terminated and severed from (our child's name)."

 Forever Terminated and Severed. Forever Severed! That is death. That is a brokenness that demands a grief so deep it is hard to bear. The grief that comes with adoption is one I was not prepared for. The darkness and tragedy I thought I could easily dismiss...not so easy. As parents, we take on our shoulders the emotions of our children. When they are happy; we are too. When they get hurt; we hurt for them. When the tears come from their tiny eyes; we cry too. Our adoptive kids are no exception. As their parents, we are grieving tragedy they know nothing about...at least yet. We carry wounds from their past they will not experience for years, but we know it is coming.

Our daughter has been with us a year-and-a-half. Her memories are fading, but the other night at the dinner table, she said, "I miss (bio mom), she used to watch Lion King with me. But she will be sick forever."

Sick forever. That is something my little girl carries. That is death. That is an unbelievable weight I, as her mother, will carry. I will walk with my little girl and young son through memories lost, moments forever gone, and hopes and dreams washed away by tragedy. 

God did not mess up. God did NOT give my children to the wrong biological parents. He intended for my children to be raised and loved and cared for by their bio mom and dad. I have pictures, beautiful pictures of my kids with bio mom as babies. The kind you frame and look at forever. When I saw the pictures, there was so much anger and grief that came. I wept. "You were supposed to be their mother always! You were supposed to make the memories I get to with your kids." But sin! And this stupid, broken world. 

Grief. It is real, it is tangible, it is a day-to-day walk that will require healing. And that is where we get to say...

...but Jesus!

When God created the world and put the tree of life and death in the garden, He did not make a mistake. He gave us a choice. He did not say, "oh no, I messed up", when Adam and Eve took the fruit and the relationship between God and man was forever terminated and severed. Sin took that day. But God was not surprised, He was not regretful, and he was not changed. Instead, he gave us death in order that we might live. He gave us the death of Jesus.

 And then he gave us the resurrection of Jesus!

Out of the horrible death, came beautiful life. Eternal life and healing for all mankind. For me, for YOU! For my children.

 One of the most beautiful verses in the bible is John 11:35 Jesus wept. He wept for the death of a friend, he wept for the grief his other friends carried, he wept for what sin had done to this world, he wept for DEATH. Jesus knew the outcome. He knew he would raise his friend back to life and there would be joy and incredible hope and celebration. Still, he wept. Still, he sat in grief for a time.  

This will be the 1st Christmas that our children are legally Hewitts. I missed 3 other Christmases. As I made their stockings to match the rest of the family, and they hung just one ornament on the tree we had given them last year, again I wept. I wept for that moment in the hospital of seeing their faces for the very 1st time. I wept for Christmases, birthdays, 1st steps, 1st giggles, all those special moments...not mine.

Adoption can only occur after death. And so, we will sit in grief for a time. We will grieve what was lost. We will grieve what could-have-been. We will grieve the expectations of what we thought the children would be like. We will grieve the time we didn't have with our kids. We will grieve adoption.

And Jesus will sit and grieve with us.

As we celebrate Christmas, we remember hope. We cling to hope! The hope that God our Father, takes death and gives us resurrection. With the birth of Jesus, we know all things can be made new! All things can be healed, and all things can be redeemed. 

We will grieve for a time...

...but Jesus

Joy is coming!!!